Gossip Girl Premiere - Minute by Minute Recap

8:57 – Okay, I turned the TV on early the see the first episode of the new cycle of ANT Model. Apparently some girl from Walpole didn’t make it, which is understandable because she has the worst Boston accent ever, even though Walpole is like 22 exits south of Boston. Also, trivia: Walpole is known as the town that’s known for its residents’ tendency to wave around confederate flags, EVEN THOUGH IT’S IN MASSACHUSETTS.

9:00 – Alright, now Gossip Girl is on. Odd that the first episode should start up to the strains of Young Folks, since it’s a song about, um, not caring what the young folks are up to. And, you know, this is a show about gossipy teenagers. I’m sure this was an oversight and not an ironic commentary on today’s society.

9:01 – Why is Veronica Mars talking?

9:03 – Okay, so it’s three minutes into the show and we’ve already heard Rihanna and Justin Timberlake in addition to the PB&J song. Initial impressions of the casting: Serena, good. Blair’s mom, not so good. Nate, not good. No opinion on Blair, although her dress is cute. Here’s some pictures.

9:05 – What a weird non-theme opening credits title thing. And by weird I mean sort of awful.

9:06 – Ooh, Erik is Serena’s suicidal younger brother with a bad dye job as opposed to the older stoner brother that goes to Brown in the books. I can live with that. Actually, I kind of like that they’re splitting off from the books this early in the show.

9:07 – Commercials. What’s that song in the Feel The Noise commercial? I like it. Saturn’s Rethink Excess campaign might be lost on this show’s target audience of vapid teenagers. Just like how it’s lost on me.

9:09 – Serena’s dressed like the Hamburglar.

9:10 – Ooh, somebody mentioned Rhode Island! Dan’s kinda hot, in a way that I never thought of him as being hot in the books. Jenny’s boobs are too small (since, in the books, it’s her defining characteristic). Also, she’s talking like she’d rather be on Gilmore Girls. There’s some kind of weird skipping thing going on like I’m watching a scratched DVD. I thought that only happened when you had cable.

9:12 – Kati and Isabel are played by minorities! I’d complain about how the only minority characters are lame and irritating and basically are just there to fawn over the white folks, but, then again, that’s probably what rich teenagers in New York are really like anyway.

9:16 – Commercials. What’s that song in the ipod nano commercials? It sounds Swedish. Like this whole PB&J thing is totally going to be a trend now. Also, Smallville is still on? And you know what I hate? Commercials where people like their shitty fast food so much they won’t trade it for something really fancy. Like HELLO! You can get more shitty-ass McNuggets on your way home, you stupid ass. Take the dumb cow’s purse. God, I hate TV.

9:21 – Part of the scene is missing! Also, it’s okay to smoke pot on network TV? I would’ve thought it wasn’t. Also, I don’t want to be watching Nate and Chuck when I could be watching Dan. He’s totally dreamy and now I’m probably going to watch this show no matter how shitty it gets just because there’s a cute boy on it.

9:24 – Ooh, Amy Winehouse is on. I like totally had her CD on when I was in the shower this morning.

9:25 – Serena’s boarding school was in Connecticut, not Switzerland (like it was in the books.) Or was she really even at boarding school? Her mother lied about Suicidal Dyejob’s disappearance, so should we assume that Serena’s really been at rehab or something? Was the Amy Winehouse song really some sort of clue?

9:26 – Blair and Gwyneth—er, Serena–are actually calling each other B&S. Which makes me wonder about the Gossip Girl phenomenon and what it’s like for the characters. It’s somehow a lot clearer in the books. Also, commercials. Hewlett Packard is apparently cashing in on the craze of People During This Hour Being Named Serena. And Subway wants to protect your kids from obesity. I’m sure all the gossipy twelve-year olds this show is aimed at are really concerned about their overweight children.

9:28 – Skipipng and darkness again. Chuck has the exact same voice as someone, but I can’t place who.

9:30 – SERENA LEFT TOWN BECAUSE SHE LOST HER VIRGNITY TO NATE?!?!?!

9:31 – The sex flashback is decent and I’m not repulsed by Nate the way I am when he’s talking. Chuck Bass is totally Ian Somerhalder from Rules of Attraction in the way that he’s annoying and gay but plays into hipster stereotypes way more than gay ones. Also in the way that I’m totally unattracted to him even though he’s my type. Sadly, though, the makeout party turns into a typical CW (formerly WB) montage of everybody learning everything about everybody else at the same time with an Air soundtrack.

9:34 – Commercials. Christ, this show is like 11 minutes long if you take out the ads. And boy does Hayden Panetierre like to wash her face! Also, there’s a website called shortperiod.com that I’m about to check out. And this Aliens In America show could be good but looks, um, a little bit on the not good (ie. Totally offensive in a bad way) side. Somebody better call Casey Kasem!

9:37 – Nate looks better with sweaty hair, but his eyes freak me out. On the other hand, I totally have a crush on Gwyneth’s mom. Serena’s mom. I meant Serena’s mom.

9:41 – Dan and Gwy, um, Serena are going to see Rufus’s band. In the book it was Ruby’s band. Hey, I just realized there’s no Ruby! And there’s no Vanessa! Now whose student film is Serena going to be the star of?

9:45 – Rufus owns a gallery? And knows Gwynethrena’s MILFy mom? And she did it once on a Nine Inch Nails tour bus? But, wait, Rufus knows that his son totally has a boner for her daughter and he ever once mentioned that they were acquainted? God, what an ass. I thought he was supposed to be the cool hip aging rock star dad like Peter Gallagher on the OC or like John Doe was on Roswell. God, CW, with the changing up your stock characters!

9:46 – The show is freezing again. What year is this?

9:47 – Timbaland’s playing now. The CW has officially now managed to squeeze in every hit song that has been recorded since the year 2004.

9:48 – Commercials. The makers of the New Resident Evil movie would like to assure us that when the apocalypse comes, New York will be totally destroyed but the Statue of Liberty will be totally fine. Garnier Fructis hasn’t taken that fucking horrible Transplants song out of their ads, still, even though it’s been like fifty-seven years since anyone wanted to hear a fucking Blink-182 side project. And next week on ANT Model, they all take a bath together! But with some clothes on! And make jokes about water conservation! Ha!

9:52-ish – Akon’s on, telling us that it don’t matter that sleazy Chuck Bass is trying to take advantage of small-chested freshman Jenny Humphrey.

9:56 – The screen goes black again.

9:57 — A syndicated episode of Friends comes on. Monica bought expensive boots and Chandler’s being snarky. Seriously, Local CW Affiliate. What the hell.