Old Porn Blog #3

“Don’t call me Lucy.”
The Devil’s Playground
1974, dir. Rik Tazi’ner

If I admit to being a little naive when it comes to knowing porn, then
I’m downright ignorant when it comes to the classics. Gay or straight,
I’ve seen almost nothing at all from before 1993, the year I, uh,
discovered my sex. So I thought it might be a good idea to wise myself
up by investigating the local porn store’s classics section. Bypassing
Deep Throat, Behind The Green Door, and The Devil In Miss Jones, I
opted for a crazy-looking movie called The Devil’s Playground.

Boy, was that a mistake. This movie is dumb. Really, really dumb.

The film is about Hell, and how a certain group of ladies got to be
there. We’re told the story by a bizarrely faggy Lucifer (played by
Kelly Guthrie), whose own sex scenes always end with the consumption
of his own spooge. It would have been hot, maybe, except that he looks
a little too much like a younger Bruce Vilanch.

Unfortunately, he’s the only guy in the whole damn movie, except for
one scene with Paul Thomas, who has a fourway with his underage niece
and her two friends. That’s not hot, either. The only good thing about
that scene is that when the girls walk in on him he’s reading a
magazine called Moppets and Teens. It cracked me up. Hoo boy.

The rest of the movie is silly, but dumb silly as opposed to funny
silly. For instance there’s the scene where Lucifer disguises himself
(really poorly) as an old man and seduces a girl on the playground by
playing with a marionette. Because that makes sense. Also, we follow
the same girls from age 11 through adulthood (and, you know, the
afterlife), but they never look any different. Plus, I know some guys
out there might get off on adult girls pretending to be 11, but to me
that’s just one step away from adult baby fetishes. And while I try
not to judge people, that’s one fetish I just really, really don’t
get.

The sex itself is hit or miss. One thing I like is that we only see
some of the cumshots as they splatter on the girls’ pubic hair.
Another thing I like is that they actually HAVE pubic hair. (I mean, I
know it’s a matter of taste, but does NO ONE think it’s not
unattractive to see some hair down there that doesn’t like the girl
spent all morning on it?) The three girls are all really hot,
especially in the boob areas. But Guthrie, as I’ve mentioned, isn’t
attractive at all, and there’s also lots of references to the fact
that he’s supposedly gay. (Although, according to the internet, this
is actually a different version of a gay movie–also directed by
Tazi’ner and starring Guthrie–called Finger Licken Good.)

The movie’s weird, in other words. There’s a whole lot of red,
sometimes to the point where you’re not sure what you’re looking at.
For another thing, there’s some really distracting camera effects. In
the first scene, the camera moves back and forth in time with a lady
who’s giving Lucifer a blow job, so it looks like she’s standing still
and he and the background are moving. It took me a minute to even
realize what was happening.

While parts ot the movie (ie. the boobs) are nice, I can’t say that
watching this was a very productive or entertaining way to spend a
morning.

(Unrelatedly to this blog, while researching names for this post I
came across something really funny…. At this one guy’s sci-fi
website he includes a list of sci-fi porn movies with the following
disclaimer:

“I, your humble webmaster, don’t buy x-rated videotapes, and don’t
want my 8-year old child to see them. But, as a scholarly reviewer, I
cannot deny that there is some overlap between the Science
Fiction/Fantasy genres and the x-rated “sexvids”, and as some sort of
service to the public, if only to warn the sensitive away from this
sort of material, I have a little list here, substantially based on
“The X-Rated Videotape Guide” by Robert H. Rimmer, New York: Harmony
Books 1984. I am a happily married man who strongly believes in
monogamy. I also believe in Freedom of Speech. I in no way endorse the
following.”

He sounds like quite the little pilgrim, doesn’t he? Which is why I
think it’s kind of funny that a movie about hell would be considered
science fiction…. Also, I wonder how listing things one has
allegedly not seen qualifies one to be a “scholarly reviewer.”)