Old Porn Blog #5

“The boss killed your husband. I saw him.”
La Veuve
2006, Marc Dorcel
dir. Tony del Duomo

La Veuve (The Widow) was recommended to me by Brandy, the
exceptionally helpful manager at the video store I’ve been going to .
She remembered me saying that I liked my movies a little less
mainstream, and said this would be a good one.

I’ll talk about the movie in a minute, but first I thought I’d mention
the really crazy thing about the DVD, which is the totally fucking
insane condom PSAs that were appended to it. In one, a woman is
handcuffed to a bed in a remote cabin in the snowy woods when her
lover, on top of her, suddenly has a heart attack. In the other one, a
film crew is making a porn scene with this couple in a hot tub when
one of the camera guys accidentally drops a big light into the tub and
electrocutes them. The message is that you can never be 100 percent
safe while having sex, but that you can stop the spread of AIDS by
using condoms. I’m not sure, but I think the French message in the
original is translated totally differently into English. I should also
note that in the ad they said (in French) AIDS, when the last time I
took a French class (which was, you know, a long time ago) they were
calling it SIDA over there. The other is that safe sex in French is
apparently called un rapport protégé, which for some reason I think is
insanely funny.

Anyway. La Veuve. It’s the dramatically told story about a mob wife
(Oksana) who needs money after her husband is suddenly offed. She goes
to the Don (Mr. Corleone–get it?!) to ask for a loan, after we get a
flashback of her and her (wicked hot) husband fucking. After a few
minutes of sex Mr Corleone (Horst Baron) walks in and pulls his dick
out. He owns them both, and he can do whatever he wants. Blah blah
blah, evil laughter blah. His penis is unattractive.

So this is who the widow goes to for money later. He tries to whore
her out and she doesn’t want to. The women who surround him and his
goons exchange catty glances and then have really attractive but not
particularly exciting sex. One of the girls wears really long gloves
and it’s kind of the best part of the movie.

About halfway through the movie, Oksana gets a phone call from an
anonymous woman saying that the mob boss killed her husband. The
widow, who is apparently an idiot, is shocked.

The movie goes on with its attractive cast and unattractive sex, which
culminates in an orgy scene where a lot of girls with masks on make
unattractive faces and someone who looks a lot like Katie Holmes with
big hair wanders around and looks bored.

Overall, nothing about La Veuve particularly impressed me, although
the cast was for the most part really good-looking (exceptions being
Mr Corleone and Omar Galanti, the goober from the Rocco Siffredi
movies.) The girls, including Tera Bond, Monica Sweetheart, and
Claudia Rossi, are all kinda gorgeous. (Although, in that typical porn
way, I can’t actually match the actresses to who they played. And the
internet doesn’t help, annoyingly….) But the plot wasn’t very
well-constructed and the editing was a little clunky, despite the fact
that the movie obviously cost a shitload of money to produce.

Also, the film seemed like it was made the Italian way, where
everybody was speaking a different language. Some people spoke clear
English, some spoke heavily accented English, and Oksana was clearly
dubbed. It seemed like the movie was filmed entirely in several
languages, though, because when I first started the movie it was in
French with Romanian subtitles. Weird.