Old Porn Blog #6

“I brought him home for you.”
Big Tease
Control T, 2002

Sometimes, I don’t even know why movies try to have a premise.
Especially in an industry where it’s perfectly acceptable to create a
product that’s nothing but sex, there’s no reason to give a movie a
half-assed setup.
Big Tease, another gay fetish movie (okay, so there were two in the
store…), starts out in what is allegedly an arcade but is clearly
someone’s dining room. Some guy is in playing pool (making it the
second movie this week to have a pool/billiards opening…) He’s not
particularly attractive.
In the arcade’s other room (read: rumpus room), this twinky-looking
guy whose name is apparently Stonie is playing pinball. I couldn’t
really concentrate on what was happening because I was too busy trying
to figure out who the hell would ever believe that these two people
were actually in an arcade. The carpeted rooms were separated by
French doors! Fucking French doors, people!
Anyway, Mr. Twink gives a blowjob to Mr. Unattractive Other Guy. They
both stick their tongues out in a way that makes them seem like
walking Mr. Yuck stickers. Stonie is wearing a jersey that says OLHC
and I try to remember what that means, but can’t. Neither one of them
can act. Yawn.
Anyway, the scene ends really, really abruptly.
The next thing we know we’re in a dungeon and there’s some guy all
restrained and whatever. Mr. Unattractive Other Guy then proceeds to
paddle Mr. Restrained Guy and stick a dildo in him and stuff. There’s
an ugly print on the wall and the music is amazingly cheesy.
Afterwards, Mr. Unattractive Other Guy unties Mr. Restrained Guy and
the two of them have their way with Stonie. Mr. Unattractive Other Guy
puts on a condom, which is interesting to see, except that he puts it
on all stupidly. There’s obviously only one microphone on the set,
because one guy’s grunting is always way louder than the other guys.
The orgasm at the end is weird, too.
I’m not at all into bondage, but it’s something I’d probably get off
on watching. I don’t even think the guys would necessarily need to be
hot (or for the movie to be particularly well-produced), but this
movie’s downright shitty in just about every way.