Old Porn Blog #7

“Gloog, gloog, gloog…Ow, my nose!”
Toss My Salad 7: Citizens On Patrol (2004)
Legend Direct

What could there possibly be to not like about a movie called Toss My Salad 7?

A lot, it turns out.

I imagine that the movie came out thanks to its star Rod Fontana, who
gets his salad tossed in half of the scenes in the film. I bet he
called up his friends Rick Masters and Dwayne Cummins and Steven
French.

“Hey guys,” he probably said over the phone. “So I had this idea. I
want to get rimjobs from a bunch of hot chicks, but since I’m mad ugly
and my penis is of an unimpressive size, I think I’m going to film the
whole thing! That way, in addition to seeing my big ol’ guy and lil’
ol’ weenie, the girls will think they’re going to be PORN stars! Then
they’ll have to toss my salad! And yours, too, if you come over
today!”

“And hey,” he would have added to one of them. “Why don’t you bring
your wife over? It doesn’t matter if she’s twenty years older than the
other hot smokin’ babes, I’d really like to see her toss my salad!”

And he probably would have said “toss my salad,” too, because he’s
like that. Even though that expression makes no sense. I mean, really.
I’ve tossed salads and I’ve eaten asses and there is no relation
whatsoever, physically or even metaphorically, between the two. If
anyone, anyone at all, can explain this to me, please do. I really
want to know. Seriously.

But anyway, after he got off the phone, it turned out that he and his
friends couldn’t actually “score” any “hot” “smokin’” “babes”
(although that one guy’s wife was happy to come along) so they had to
go to the nearest corner and find whatever junkies happened to be
passing by.

Seriously, the girls in this movie do not look healthy. Especially the
one named Kandi, who a) keeps looking at the camera as though she
can’t believe she’s really giving a rimjob to the nasty guy down the
street, and b) has matching piercings on both of her…. face-sides. I
was watching this with my roommate and we really couldn’t figure out
what the hell was going on with her piercings. They were on possibly
the only part of the face we couldn’t name. Like, start at your
earlobes and come forward a couple of inches. Then move up until
you’re not on the cheekbone anymore. So it’s down from the temple a
little, but higher than the cheek. Kind of in the general eye area.
Honestly, out of all her 2000 parts, why would this crazy loon want to
get THAT one pierced? On both sides? Jesus.

Anyway, the movie’s 99 percent abysmal. Every scene takes place in the
same room by the same ugly brown couch. At one point Rod Fontana
actually uses the phrase “ass juice,” at which point the girl he’s
with (Krysta Lynn Lovely) takes ona decidedly suicidal appearance.

The only bright spot, which is the hottest thing ever in comparison
with the rest of the movie, is the scene with Gen Padova and Steven
French. Unlike the other guys, French isn’t horrifying to behold and
Padova looks more like a homely-but-kinky lady and not the village
crackwhore. This scene has a lot of spit in it, which is nice, and
while he has a tendency of squeezing her Semitic nose for no reason
and she makes a ton of unnecessary noises, well, it’s downright hot
compared to the rest of the movie.

And I won’t even get into the fact that this movie is subtitled
Citizens On Patrol. Referencing one of the Police Academy movies for
NO DISCERNABLE FUCKING REASON is too stupid to even approach.

(Okay, oddly I just did some research on Rod Fontana, and he’s in the
AVN Hall of Fame. I mean, WTF?!?! Can somebody explain that one to
me?)