Old Porn Blog #8

“This limo looks like my dick, it’s so big and long!”
Lil Jon’s Vivid Las Vegas Party
Vivid, 2005

Just days before heading out to Vegas for my first-ever AVN show (oh
boy!), I decided to throw this trashy-looking doozy into my DVD player
to see what might be in store for me.

And, oddly, the movie’s sort of accurate. The pace is slow and the
frills are almost non-existent; the sound quality is terrible and the
whole thing is really just an excuse to watch a bunch of drunk people
run around at a big party. Which, it turns out, is pretty much what a
real weekend in Vegas for AVN is like (I even rode in a big and long
limo myself, which is such an absurd experience that I highly
recommend it to anyone who’s in a group of over ten and driving less
than two miles.) Who knew?
Vivid Vegas Party starts off slowly the night of the AVN Awards show,
with a lot of standing around and talking. Afterwards, we follow Jon
and his entourage back to the hotel, where Cherokee (the spirit guide
from Camp Cuddly Pines) does a split and then makes out with someone
named Mercedez.

Anyway, even though I like Cherokee (kind of a lot, actually), the
scene’s not very exciting. I think part of the problem is the music.
Lil’ Jon produced it himself, but it’s Dullsville. I mean, I complain
about how boring hip-hop is a lot, but this is the guy who made Get
Low, for Christ’s sake! The man who does nothing but get people to
yell words like “Shake it like a salt shaker!” and “Yayuh!” over pervy
beats. But does that happen in this scene? No, no it doesn’t. Instead
we get any old porn music. It’s like he totally thought the thing he
does best didn’t matter. Way to blow it, little man.

Also, it’s over half an hour before we see anybody’s uglies get
bumped. Which is a really long buildup, if you ask me. And it’s also
kind of annoying because the sex scenes are actually pretty good.
There’s only three of them, mind you, and they’re each about five
minutes too long, but the cast is cute and they know what they’re
doing. It’s just too bad the scenes are drawn out to the point that
soon the margins of my notes said things like “People’s Choice
Awards–Army Archerd still alive? How old?” and “Sicilian girls like
to fuck and fuck and fuck.” (I’m assuming that second one actually had
some relevance to the movie, but for some reason I can’t remember what
that might relate to…)

In the last scene, which takes place in a shower, the music’s gotten
noticeably better, but there appear to be some distracting drainage
issues with the shower. Overall, the performers are attractive but the
sex is a little too vanilla and nobody seems that into it. Also, and I
probably only noticed because the movie was in the interracial section
of the video store, there’s no interracial sex. There’s three guys and
six ladies in the movie. The limo driver, for some reason played by
Tommy Gunn, is the only white guy in the bunch, and he screws Lexie
Marie, the only white girl in the movie. Not that I’m offended or
anything–I just think it’s interesting.

Of course Jon’s not in any of the sex scenes at all, although he does
make a brief appearance during a limo scene to check in on the action.
I wonder when the day’s going to come when one of these rappers
actually performs in their porn production…