Starfucker Friday: The Democrats

Hi guys. This is a new feature I’m going to be doing every Friday on my blog here. Each week I’ll present to you some famous people and then go on a little rant about what it would be like to fuck them. And, with the presidential election ONLY FIFTY-NINE WEEKS AWAY I figured there would be no one better to start with than the eight sexy asses* running for president next year. Now, I’m not a $1000-an-hour hooker or anything. But let’s for the sake of argument pretend that I was, just for funsakes. Now, these people running for president are all pretty loaded, obviously, and were they going to employ the services of a boy-for-hire they’d probably be willing to pay something extra to, you know, shut him up. But at the same time your politically aware rentboy might be tempted to give a reduced rate as a campaign contribution. So, here’s the lowdown on how much I’d charge each candidate if they were all gayish and wanted to employ my services.

(*Because ass is another word for a donkey. And they’re Democrats. Get it? Get it?)

Okay, first things first. Mr Obama. I think he’s very unattractive in the facial region, don’t you? Kind of like a puppy, with those eyebrows and big cheeks. I bet he was a cute kid, but, as is often the case, the cutest kids make for really funny-looking and unattractive adults. And he doesn’t have much of a body, either. I sort of assumed that he’d at least be the most physically fit of the candidates, but thanks to the intrepid sleuthing of People Magazine photographers I now realize that’s probably not the case. Anyway, I know the Senate’s not exactly a hotbed of hotties, but I’d take Jack Reed over this dude any night. (Okay, confession–I have a big crush on Jack Reed! And we’re from the same town! OMG! Um, anyway.) I don’t particularly agree with him on many issues, either, so I’d charge him the full $1000/hr.

Next, The Hils. Now, I don’t normally go for the ladies, and if I did I can’t say that Hilary would be my type. (Although, I guess now would be the time to confess that I did have a thing for her husband back when I was thirteen and had a thing for most people’s husbands.) I have to say, though, that she’s not totally unattractive (even if she does remind me of an overly chipper dental hygienist), and since my biggest problem with her physically is her hair, then I’m sure some tousling in the sack render her slightly hot . I wouldn’t go out of my way to switch teams for her or anything, but I’d take her over Obama any day. At the same time, she might qualify for a reduced rate since I’m not sure how well I’d perform for a lady–you know, since I’ve never done it before. My rate for Hilary: $875/hr.

Now, I can’t say I agree much with John Edwards, although I think the whole repenting for Iraq thing is sort of good in a way, I guess. But I don’t necessarily have to agree with someone politically to appreciate them in bed, if you catch my drift. Sure, he has bad politician hair. And yes, maybe he does look like he should be hanging out in a bad strip club with John Tesh. But something in his smile is just a little bit…. dare I say… kinky? Yes, Edwards gets my vote for Most Likely To Be Secretly Gay And Into Twink Bondage. Which, while it’s not my kind of thing, I can at least respect in a leader. Rate: $750/hr.

Joe Biden, on the other hand, I’d totally let screw my living daylights out. He’s 64, which is two years older than the oldest dude I’ve ever fucked around with (lest I can recall.) But the Delaware senator actually kinda gives me a boner. I wish he’d do something about his hair (I guess non-awful hair is the one thing Obama has going for him), and I definitely don’t want to see him in the Oval Office, but I’d definitely be excited if he just showed up in my bed one day with a wad of cash asking for a blowjob. Plus, I have a feeling he’s the best-hung of all the candidates. I mean, look, if you squint a lot you can totally even see a big dangly nut through his pants in this picture. Rate: $250/hr. Or maybe $200. What a hunk!

Unlike Joe Biden, Chris Dodd is wicked ugly. Even his vague resemblance to Sam The Eagle, a characteristic I usually think is hot in humans, doesn’t do anything to save him from being Chancellor of Unattractivania. He’s so…. pasty. Yet so shiny. Like somebody rubbed some Rain Dance on a TB victim. Plus he just looks like somebody with a diaper fetish. Ick. He’s my least favorite, even though apparently back in the day he managed to snag Princess Leia. $1000/hr.

Bill Richardson’s not such a handsome guy either, this hilarious photo notwithstanding. He’s kind of a pudgebucket, which you can carry off if you’re like, you know, a bear. But he isn’t. He’s a politician with a really lame hairdo. Also, I know nothing about him or his politics. $1000/hr.

Dennis Kucinich is an interesting guy. For one thing, he’s the candidate that I actually want to win. For another thing, he seems like a really cool and funny guy, and while he too suffers from dumb politician hair, he at least has a different dumb politician hairdo than everybody else. And, judging from this picture, has had it forever. Anywizzle, the poor guy has no shot of winning, even though he does have a chance of scoring mad votes from horny frat boys and/or stylish gay fellows who want to see a giant redheaded first lady who’s not even thirty yet. Anyway, the dude’s not attractive, and I’m guessing not even a little gay (although he is Catholic and vegan….) And even my depraved imagination can’t imagine what he’d be like in bed, although I’m pretty sure he’d be the kind of guy that just wanted a long massage and then maybe just a relaxing blowjob. But, regardless, I’d do him for free.

This is Mike Gravel back in the day when he was a slammin’ hunk of sexxxy Alaskan man-meat. Now he’s 77 and crotchety and damn if he didn’t come out with the best political ad I’ve ever seen. He’s a solid fifteen years older than the oldest dude I’ve ever done it with (lest I can recall.) I have no idea what he’d be like in bed but I’m guessing pretty needy and not much fun. So even though I think he’s great to watch in a debate, I think I’d probably have to charge him $250 or so just because I’d probably hate both of us for the duration of the transaction. And if you’re going to go to the effort of hating yourself and others you might as well get paid for it.

So, there you have it. Candidates take note: Kucinich is the only one that gets a free ride. Next week check back and I’ll let you know about how much I never ever want to screw Tommy Thompson or the rest of the Republicans.

(Oh, by the way, if you know of any presidential hopeful slash fiction, send it my way. I’m always looking for disturbing reading material.)