Mixtape Monday (With Manifesto)

Dear Hookers,

A few rules and suggestions about the music you play during your in-calls.

1. Always play music. Always always always. It loosens everybody up, and if you get stuck with a moaner then it provides a great distraction.

2. Play music you like, but not music you love. Here’s why: Say for instance you’re a big Smiths fan, and you’re about to meet a new client and you throw on The Queen Is Dead to set the mood (thinking Morrissey’s sad tale of reckless bus drivers crashing into you and your loved one would surely enhance your sexual performance, even if your client’s totally hideous and has corpsy breath.) Only then it turns out that the guy is one of those people that get off on body odor, and proceeds to rub his socks in his armpits and then shoves them in your face without any forewarning and it’s totally disgusting and you want to die (you know, for instance.) And then any time after that even the thought of the Smiths knowing how Joan of Arc felt gives you flashbacks to that terrible, terrible day and how you wish Morrissey would just shut up because if anybody knows about a martyr it’s you, well…. that’s not any good, is it? The moral: NEVER LET BAD SEX RUIN GREAT MUSIC FOR YOU.

3. Johns like to think they’re kind of hip, so if you play anything from the sixties or early seventies they’ll think it’s cool. Even if it’s kind of obscure and they probably didn’t even know it when it was new, they’ll think they did and have pleasant memories of when they were younger and didn’t need to pay somebody to get them off. Even better, if you play something newish that sounds like it’s old, they’ll think they’re still kind of cool because they actually understand what the kids are into these days. The Aislers Set are excellent for this purpose.

4. Shuffling itunes playlists is dangerous. What if your guy is almost there and all of a sudden your computer decides it wants to play you the theme song from Count Duckula? Or Territorial Pissings? Or some tAtU b-side? There’s all kinds of music that can kill a mood, and itunes is really good at selecting that kind of song about a minute and a half before ejaculation. I don’t know why. But it’s not worth the risk of distracting your client and delaying the inevitable because Do They Know It’s Christmas just came on.

Okay, so here it is: a Mixtape For Hookers, the first of many (hopefully) that I’ll be posting here every Monday. Here’s how to use it:

These sixteen tracks here comprise an hour of music–well, fifty-nine minutes and fifty-three seconds of music, but close enough. Next time you’re doing an in-call, throw this playlist on. Listen to it a couple of times beforehand, and get used to the track order. If your guy’s paying by the hour, now you know (without being a dreaded clockwatcher) how to time the session. Say you want to give a 25-minute massage, followed by a 5-minute handjob, a 20-minute mutual blowjob, and no more than five minutes of fucking. Well, now you have minute-by-minute cues! Ditto if you’re with an ugly old schmo that’s only going to need 20 minutes before he spooges. You can get him off and then have a little dance party while he’s cleaning off in your bathroom. Unlike a regular dance mix, though, these songs were chosen because they’re fairly concise. No ten-minute remixes–you can lose track of time with those!!–and no seamless transitions. This music will keep you on your toes, even when you’re on your back. There’s songs to make the dude feel hip, some conversation pieces in case things aren’t going too well, and just some catchy tunes to keep time with, should you need them.

(NB: If you like these songs, maybe you should use some of your hard-earned money to buy the albums. Especially since these tracks will only be up until next Monday’s mix comes out.)

1. I’ll Be By Your Side (Rude 66 808 Remix), Sally Shapiro

2. Laissez Tomber Les Filles, France Gall

3. The Sun Is A Very Magic Fellow, Donovan

4. Alien Sex Fiend, Garbage

5. Puppet On A String, Ken Boothe

6. A Diana’s Diana, Lilys

7. Amylase, Cajun Dance Party

8. What Fades First (Demo), The Aislers Set

9. Are U That Somebody, Aaliyah

10. Soul Time, Shirley Ellis

11. Tainted Love, Gloria Jones

12. Summer, Shy Child

13. If You Go, Sophie Ellis-Bextor

14. Cruel Summer, Bananarama

15. (Feels Like) Heaven, Fiction Factory

16. Bentley’s Gonna Sort You Out, BentleyRhythm Ace