Starfucker Friday: The Guy From That Paul Westerberg Video

So, I wrote half of this blog entry before I had kind of a major realization: I’m totally a flake! I was writing on an on and on about this guy who I’ve totally jacked off to many times since like ‘95 and I’ve barely seen anything he’s been in. And, somehow, I hadn’t realized this. Yes, Jeremy Piven, the wicked hot star of Entourage, has been in (according to imdb) 72 different things and I’ve barely seen any of them. And some of the ones I have seen I don’t actually remember him being in. What gives?

I thought about JP this week because, when trying to have wildly hot celebrity sex with my hand, he’s often the first person I think of. He’s scruffy, he’s hairy (well, before the chest-waxing started), and he seems like he’s probably kind of a skeezebucket in real life. In other words I want him. Bad. But more pressingly, this insanely long and ultimately kinda dull video just popped up on YouTube yeterday. Don’t you just want to squeeze his cute little drunken cheeks and then give him a rimjob for two hours while telling him what an awesome drummer he is?

One confession, though. I’ve never seen a single episode of Entourage. I mean, I always put it down to the fact that I don’t have cable, but there are several seasons of it out on DVD, so basically I’m just lying to myself. I also never saw him way back when he was on The Larry Sanders Show. Although, you know, Garry Shandling obviously isn’t for everybody. And by everybody I mean me. I also don’t think I saw a single episode of Cupid, which was back when I actually watched sitcoms.

No, my only TV encounters with Mr P were when he played Spence, the cousin that moved in with Ellen right about when Arye Gross left the show. (Back in 1993, when I was all of 12, I had a thing for Arye Gross too, but that’s around the same time that I also wanted David Letterman, Michael Stipe, the son on Grace Under Fire, and Jerry Desiderato, the soccer hero at my junior high (also, speaking of him, check out this completely unremarkable video). But Arye Gross was in Hexed, which was a dirty dirty movie (or seemed like it when I was twelve) and so it was easier to imagine him doing dirty things to me. But then he totally dropped off my radar once hunky Jeremy Piven came on the show and then spent an entire episode shirtless in Ellen’s bathtub. Mee-yow!! It even gave me a boner for other hairy-chested balding actors, like the evil Stanley Tucci in the sorta underrated A Life Less Ordinary. (It didn’t, however, extend as far as getting me horny about Gene Siskel. Although I did try a couple of times.)

I also haven’t seen (or wanted to see) many movies he was in. Like Smokin’ Aces. Or Old School. Or Larger Than Life, the movie with Bill Murray and an elephant that I always get confused with Operation Dumbo Drop, a different elephant-themed film of the same era. Or Singles. Which is ironic, because the first time I probably ever saw Jeremy Piven he was all shirtless and dancing in a Paul Westerberg video. Jeremy bared his hunky, hairy chest to the world in what is basically a really stupid video for a really stupid song that just happens to have a catchy na-na chorus part. I think he might be playing his character from Singles but I don’t know for sure. Anyway, skip ahead to about 1:24 for seven seconds of a sexy sexy man with a terrible hairdo doing a really dumb dance. And be amazed by the first appearance of several hallmarks of Jeremy’s career: namely, chest hair, a balding forehead, and assy behavior around celebrities in bars.

At the time, he was already making a name for himself (or at least appearing) in a bunch of John Cusack movies, like One Crazy Summer, Say Anything, and The Grifters. I’ve seen all of these movies several times and don’t actually remember him being in any of them. But I’m sure it was hot!

The one Cusack vehicle I actually remember him in is Grosse Pointe Blank, a comedy about high school reunions with an 80’s soundtrack that came out about the same time as a similar, though much less dark, reunion movie with an 80’s soundtrack. It’s a really underrated movie and I highly recommend it. In fact, a car salesman once showed me part of it in an effort to get in my pants, and Reader, I tell you it worked! Plus Jeremy Piven is smokin’ and I totally want him to fuck the hell out of me. Like, totally.

Other movies he was in, none of which I have seen, include Black Hawk Down, Rush Hour 2, and Very Bad Things, where he plays the guy that’s there when the hooker dies. I had no desire to see the movie even when it was new (because, it being 1998 and all, that fucking Vegas-y indie movie swing revival thing was already getting on my damn nerves.) But, you know, apparently I missed seeing his dreamy ass.

Now that he’s on Entourage he’s big into waxing his chest, I guess, which is pretty unfortunate. But, you know, maybe it’s just for the character. Regardless, he still has the cute cheeks, the stubble, and the generally dickheaded behavior. Plus he allegedly had a thing for Lindsay Lohan for like half an evening (an evening which gossip websites were full of pictures of, but which have ALL BEEN TAKEN DOWN so now we can’t watch him shirtlessly blowing out the candles on his birthday cake.) But yeah, Lindsay Lohan. That’s kinda hot to think about.

Now, I don’t pretend to think he’s actually a whiz in bed. In fact I imagine he’s usually overly wasted by the time he gets to the bed, and probably just wants one to blow him. And while I’m sure he likes to plow the occasional starlet, I bet it’s not totally overwhelming to be involved in if you’re the starlet. But the thing is, I don’t care. I also don’t care that some former child actress says he has a small wang. I don’t care that he yells at people in restaurants. I don’t even care that he was in the Car 54 Where Are You movie. I don’t care that Kelly Ripa can do more push-ups than him. I care that he shaves his chest, but not so much that it turns me off. All I know is that he’s the hottest thing since, like, jalapenos dipped in jabanero sauce and then put in the microwave. In the summer. (ie hot in every way!)