Starfucker Friday: Or, Boy Bands Are And Always Have Been Totally Lame

Sorry I’ve been so quiet this week. I’ve been busy reading this insanely long and totally weird and fascinating article about Lou Pearlman from the new Vanity Fair. And, um, watching Saint Etienne videos on Youtube. You know, lots of hard work.

That Vanity Fair article got me thinking about boy bands, though, and about how I never thought anybody in any of them was hot, not even a little, not even Justin Timberlake (although, really, that hair.) Actually Justin Timberlake didn’t really do much for me even after he cut his hair, until I saw the Steven Klein photos a few years ago. Not the bloody ones, although I really like those too, but, um, these ones where he was hanging out in like a ski lodge somewhere and eating cereal and stuff.* And I was all like “Awww, pretty man, I could totally eat you up! Also, the last *Nsync album is actually pretty good, especially that song about how shorty had you up against the wall.”

Of course, as much as I like Justin Timberlake and applaud his decision to release a new single off the album every four days for the last year, I still don’t want to sleep with him. Not even in fantasy-everybody’s-a-big-homo world. He’s just not my type.

But who is my type? Well, even when I was in high school and everybody in *Nsync and the Backstreet Boys was basically my age, my locker was filled with pictures of Alec Empire and Jarvis Cocker and Damon Albarn and Trent Reznor in that one video where I thought he was the hottest thing alive.

The only boy band member that got me even a little excited was Brian Littrell, and only because he looked a little bit like like a slightly cleaner Mark Wahlberg. Who knew that he’d grow up to be all pudgy and born-again?

So anyway. That’s my story. Boy bands aren’t hot. Even when I was gay and sixteen I didn’t think boy bands were hot. Maybe if I were a creepy 300-pound blimp impresario I’d want to jump on them wearing only a towel, but as things stand right now I say no, no, no. They’re just too…. clean. And ridiculous. And the music is always so terrible. Like, if I were straight I’d probably totally want all of Girls Aloud because their songs are actually awesome (for the most part.) But manufactured boy music always blows. I don’t know why, exactly, but it does. And, if there’s one thing I’ve tried to make clear with this blog, bad music is just terrible for the libido.

(*And oh my God is it hard to find specific pictures of Justin Timberlake. I just spent like 20 minutes on it and couldn’t come up with any….)