If I were in South Dakota right now I’d totally try to bone…

(If anybody happens to be reading this because of the link from the $pread blog, hi! I’m a big fan of $pread and getting the blog mention was enough to satiate my fantasies of writing something for them some day.)

This is the second round of my search for the hottest guys in America, the only way I can think of–by searching Manhunt. This time, I go to South Dakota, which is kind of even worse than Wyoming was.  [links in this blog entry are to Manhunt pages.  If you don’t have an account it only lets you look at a few of them before it tries to make you log in.  Also it removes any pictures that the member has “locked” (that is, the ones they have to personally “unlock” in order for you to see them.  Often if you have face pictures in your profile, locked ones will be of your penis.  And vice versa.)

Ahhh, South Dakota. Land of Mount Rushmore. Land of abortion woes. Land of straight, straight, straight white people. When I just checked, there were 274 guys on Manhunt in Rhode Island and, um, 31 in South Dakota. And if you discount the guys that don’t have pictures, and the guys that just have really uninspired headless chest shots (or, in one weird case, collar shots), there’s not a lot to look at. The first guy that comes up seems nice enough. He’s 6′4″ and a top (just like me!), but he doesn’t exactly put fuel in my rocket, if you know what I mean. Plus he’s looking for a relationship. Then there’s some really unfortunate-looking guys. People in South Dakota are very chinny, it seems. And then there’s one guy standing in front of a ridiculous loud black-and-white backdrop. One closeup crotch shot of a guy wearing tacky leopard-print underwear. One guy looking so full of himself I want to kick him, even though he’s half a country away from me. One guy whose screen name is Smokedcow7. One guy wearing an American Eagle shirt with the collar flipped up, which I thought even the gays didn’t do anymore. One guy (the last one, meaning the one that probably just leaves himself logged in for weeks at a time just in case) wearing, from what I can tell, a t-shirt with a picture of an American flag printed on a bass, and the guy’s holding–I’m not sure, but I’m going to say a hand towel–with a picture of an eagle on it. And that’s his only picture! Oh, and I forgot to mention the one guy posing with his dog [nb: I love dogs, but they are NOT HOT and you are NOT HOT if you’re posing with one. Dogs, in the online cruising world, are the equivalent of a party-size bag of Doritos. Of course you want it, but not in bed.]

Really just a couple of guys stand out. sfsd1973 has a really vague four-word profile (”looking to meet guys”) but he has big sideburns and I’d probably do him in a pinch. His pictures aren’t impressive but I feel like it’s the photography rather than the subject matter. strokinsf has a better body and looks like he night be sort of kinky in a rednecky way, but he uses the word hella in his profile so I’d rather not consider him to be the hottest representative of his state. fargomorehead is a vague but potentially promising dick shot. He refers to his AIM screen name as the yellow face, which I’ve never seen before.

One of the problems with South Dakota is that everybody there seems to be in the closet. Nobody’s willing to show their face. One example is sdakotaman, who I ended up talking to because he seemed like he probably was the hottest guy of the 31. He told me this weekend is the beginning of hunting season, which is a good time for cock, I guess. It probably also explains why so many of the people online claimed to be just visiting. Anyway, he unlocked his private pictures for me. He’s got a nice dick, with nicer balls, and he’s in good shape. No idea what he looks like from the neck up, though.

Although I try to limit myself to the guys that are online, I had to take a peek at some of the others. If you’re into tattooed thuggy-looking guys, omacock4u looks like he’d be right up your alley . squirty69 looks kind of like a jackass with his camera phone pictures, but a hot jackass, at least. And…. that’s about it, unfortunately. Since I’m limiting myself just to guys that are currently online,* I guess the award goes to sdakotaman. Whatever he looks like.

(*this might not make any sense now, but it will when I get to, like, Massachusetts and California.)