Starfucker Saturday: Me and Mr Jones

In the Best Actor category this year, Tommy Lee Jones is as a distinct disadvantage–at least when it comes to starfucking–because he’s 62. And while I’ve had good-bordering-on-great sex with a 62-year old before, it’s a little on the border of elderly, and when you’re sixty-two it’s tough to complete with a strapping 47-year old like George Clooney, a virile 44-year old like Johnny Depp, or a sexy Irish 51-year old like Daniel Day-Lewis. Although, come to think of it, they’re all old enough to be my father.

A couple of years ago my friend (who’s getting married at a chapel in Vegas today–wooo!!) and I decided to start Much Older Boyfriends Magazine. Called MOBzine for short, it was designed give you advice on things you could do with your Much Older Boyfriend, reviews of books and movies that might appeal to Much Older Boyfriends, articles about things like your Much Older Boyfriend’s vaccine scars, and, in the back, personal ads for boys and girls who wanted to find a Much Older Boyfriend. Oh, and an advice column authored by a genuine Much Older Boyfriend.

Maybe if we had ever gone through with the magazine, we could have had a special issue all about Tommy Lee Jones. While I think he’s a little bit past it in terms of hotness, frankly, and while The Coen Brothers’ No Country For Old Men looks at least as unsexy as all of their other movies, the guy’s definitely got an attractive, manly aura about him.

While he’s never played particularly hunky roles (and while his hairstylists have never been particularly flattering), Tommy Lee has nice, deep eyes that would be sort of penetrating in person. The No Country For Old Men beard might have to go if it hasn’t already. As much as I like gray beards in general, and gray beards scratching their way around my naughty parts in particular, his is too long, and Mr Jones has the kind of weathered cheeks that turn me on in a Much Older Sex Object.

But, obviously, he wasn’t always much older, and so for the sake of fairness I think it might be worth mentioning a little bit about when he was younger. He went to Harvard and played football, and judging from the pictures I found from those days he was a giant no-necked son of a gun.

He lived with Al Gore in college, and made his movie debut in Love Story, a movie whose Ryan O’Neal character was partially based on both Jones and Gore. (I’ve never seen Love Story, and don’t know what character Jone played, although from what stills I’ve seen he was “big guy with no neck and bad hair,” a role he would reprise throughout his career.

After apppearing on One Life To Live for four years, he went back and forth between the big screen and a bunch of TV movies I’ve never seen, winning an Emmy for playing Gary Gilmore, the murderer whose eyes are the subject of one of the greatest songs of all time ever. (The TV Week cover to the right is actually kind of hot, I think.)

In the nineties, he started picking better roles, like JFK and The Fugitive and Men In Black which, although it’s a ridiculous movie, probably got him shitloads of money and the power to start making his own movies, like The Three Burials of Thingy Whatever that came out a couple of years ago.

This year he appeared in No Country For Old Men, the Coen Brothers western, and In The Valley of Elah, the drama about the parents whose son disappears after he comes back from Iraq. Aside from having two of the most boring titles of any movies ever produced, they’re both supposed to be good and serious and award-worthy, although I can’t say as I particularly want to run out to watch thoughtful big-budget Hollywood movies about Iraq veterans. Coen Brothers westerns, yes, and I might try to see that now that it’s gotten re-released, although I wouldn’t bet money on my actually getting to the movie theater any time soon.

Although the man’s been acting for longer than I’ve ever been alive, I think I’ve only seen him two of three times. In The Fugitive and Men In Black, where he actually did have a sexy older man aura about him, despite how silly that movie actually is. Also JFK, which I saw when I was about ten. He was in A Prairie Home Companion, which I didn’t actually remember until I just looked on IMDb, and also Volcano, which is a terrible, terrible movie but which does have the funniest game of rock paper scissors I’ve ever seen. Oh wait, I guess he was also in Under Siege. How did I forget that? And Blue Sky, which I really liked when it came out. And The Client. Wow, I guess I’ve seen more of his movies than I thought. Can’t say I ever particularly got turned on by any of them, though. Although maybe I should try to find the one about Gary Gilmore, or whichever sexy-looking one he was in where he dressed like a compassionate and hot priest.

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