I’ve never particularly thought about Viggo Mortensen in a sexual way before. Although he’s all strapping and Danish and chin-clefty and women really dig him, I never quite got it. Maybe it’s because I never saw GI Jane, the movie that made women everywhere (or at least certain writers) swoon.
And I didn’t grow up reading the Lord of the Rings books, so when the movies came out I didn’t really get why people were making such a big whoop. But I went to see the first one at the movie theater anyway; it was decent, if not particularly remarkable. It was definitely the loudest movie I had ever seen, but pretty much all I remember from that night was when the movie theater employee at the mall told my friend that she couldn’t bring in the bag of underwear that she had gotten at the Victoria’s Secret after-Christmas sale, and then there was much dramatic waving of underwear and purse-stuffing in front of a line full of Tolkein freaks. (This was way back in 2001, when movie theaters did their part to discourage terrorism by banning bags that might contain bombs or anthrax or outside snacks. Semi-relatedly, I need to remember to read The Shock Doctrine soon.)
Viggo Mortensen became really famous for playing, um, […pause while I check IMDb…] Aragorn, but I first heard of him when he played Caspar Goodwood in Jane Campion’s Portrait of a Lady. Poor Caspar really wants Isabel Archer, but she’s totally not into him and instead gets involved the flaming and evil but weirdly sexy Gilbert Osmond, played by John Malkovich. Despite its Oprah-tastic intro, the movie’s really good, and I’m sort of fascinated with the totally incongruous way that Malkovich can be really sexy and really hammy at the same time.

So If I were American expatriate Isabel Archer, I too would fall for Osmond’s evil mincing before marrying Caspar Goodwood, so maybe that’s why Mortensen didn’t strike me as a particularly attractive guy right away. That, and guys with long hair who get really muddy and run around with elves aren’t my thing, either.

That said, the man is a little bit foxy, especially for a forty-nine-year old. And while he has a tendency in movies to a) have really dumb tattoos and b) shave his chest, he also has nice eyes and kind of a slammin’ bod. Also, unlike my masturbation fantasy issues with The Cloon last week, Viggo’s been giving it to me pretty good in Spankworld since about Sunday. He’s always on top, and usually kind of mean about it. Also, his penis is bigger than it looks in Eastern Promises or The Indian Runner.

I bet sex with him would be fun, sweaty, and long-lasting. And, you know, he was married to Exene Cervenka, and I really doubt she’d settle for anything less than a totally kick-ass slampiece. Plus he paints, makes music, and was a big Dennis Kucinich supporter, which means he’d probably be a lot of fun to talk to once the big sexathon was over. But only if his facial hair wasn’t too out of control [see right].

Plus, he’d have to work for it, to make up for the fact that he was in Gus Van Sant’s Psycho remake. Not that I ever saw it, because it seemed like the most horrible idea for a movie ever, and even though Julianne Moore and William H Macy were in it I refused to see it on the grounds that, aside from the fact that a shot-for-shot remake is a really dumb idea, Van Sant had also directed Good Will Crappy Hunting and a video for a Hanson ballad.
Come to think of it, I’ve only seen him in one other movie. He played the artist foil to Michael Douglas’s sleazy businessman in A Perfect Murder, which is one of those Michael Douglas-as-sleazy-businessman thrillers that were so prevalent for most of my lifetime. It’s trashy and kind of wonderful, in a watching-it-because-you’re-home-sick-from-work-and-it’s-on kind of way.

I haven’t seen Eastern Promises, or A History of Violence, or Young Guns II or Texas Chainsaw Massacre III or the other two Lord of the Rings movies. I haven’t seen Witness, which is the first movie he was ever in, and I haven’t seen High School Narc, the ABC afterschool special he was in. But if my last week of jackoff fantasies are anything to go by, I should probably take a trip to the video store soon.  I think my first choice, if I can find it, might be Prison, this trashy-looking prison movie where he’s in his underwear a lot and doesn’t have his chest shaved.  (By the way–check out more clips from that movie, and more Viggo than you could ever hope for, at brego.net)

In the Best Actor category this year, Tommy Lee Jones is as a distinct disadvantage–at least when it comes to starfucking–because he’s 62. And while I’ve had good-bordering-on-great sex with a 62-year old before, it’s a little on the border of elderly, and when you’re sixty-two it’s tough to complete with a strapping 47-year old like George Clooney, a virile 44-year old like Johnny Depp, or a sexy Irish 51-year old like Daniel Day-Lewis. Although, come to think of it, they’re all old enough to be my father.

A couple of years ago my friend (who’s getting married at a chapel in Vegas today–wooo!!) and I decided to start Much Older Boyfriends Magazine. Called MOBzine for short, it was designed give you advice on things you could do with your Much Older Boyfriend, reviews of books and movies that might appeal to Much Older Boyfriends, articles about things like your Much Older Boyfriend’s vaccine scars, and, in the back, personal ads for boys and girls who wanted to find a Much Older Boyfriend. Oh, and an advice column authored by a genuine Much Older Boyfriend.

Maybe if we had ever gone through with the magazine, we could have had a special issue all about Tommy Lee Jones. While I think he’s a little bit past it in terms of hotness, frankly, and while The Coen Brothers’ No Country For Old Men looks at least as unsexy as all of their other movies, the guy’s definitely got an attractive, manly aura about him.

While he’s never played particularly hunky roles (and while his hairstylists have never been particularly flattering), Tommy Lee has nice, deep eyes that would be sort of penetrating in person. The No Country For Old Men beard might have to go if it hasn’t already. As much as I like gray beards in general, and gray beards scratching their way around my naughty parts in particular, his is too long, and Mr Jones has the kind of weathered cheeks that turn me on in a Much Older Sex Object.

But, obviously, he wasn’t always much older, and so for the sake of fairness I think it might be worth mentioning a little bit about when he was younger. He went to Harvard and played football, and judging from the pictures I found from those days he was a giant no-necked son of a gun.

He lived with Al Gore in college, and made his movie debut in Love Story, a movie whose Ryan O’Neal character was partially based on both Jones and Gore. (I’ve never seen Love Story, and don’t know what character Jone played, although from what stills I’ve seen he was “big guy with no neck and bad hair,” a role he would reprise throughout his career.

After apppearing on One Life To Live for four years, he went back and forth between the big screen and a bunch of TV movies I’ve never seen, winning an Emmy for playing Gary Gilmore, the murderer whose eyes are the subject of one of the greatest songs of all time ever. (The TV Week cover to the right is actually kind of hot, I think.)

In the nineties, he started picking better roles, like JFK and The Fugitive and Men In Black which, although it’s a ridiculous movie, probably got him shitloads of money and the power to start making his own movies, like The Three Burials of Thingy Whatever that came out a couple of years ago.

This year he appeared in No Country For Old Men, the Coen Brothers western, and In The Valley of Elah, the drama about the parents whose son disappears after he comes back from Iraq. Aside from having two of the most boring titles of any movies ever produced, they’re both supposed to be good and serious and award-worthy, although I can’t say as I particularly want to run out to watch thoughtful big-budget Hollywood movies about Iraq veterans. Coen Brothers westerns, yes, and I might try to see that now that it’s gotten re-released, although I wouldn’t bet money on my actually getting to the movie theater any time soon.

Although the man’s been acting for longer than I’ve ever been alive, I think I’ve only seen him two of three times. In The Fugitive and Men In Black, where he actually did have a sexy older man aura about him, despite how silly that movie actually is. Also JFK, which I saw when I was about ten. He was in A Prairie Home Companion, which I didn’t actually remember until I just looked on IMDb, and also Volcano, which is a terrible, terrible movie but which does have the funniest game of rock paper scissors I’ve ever seen. Oh wait, I guess he was also in Under Siege. How did I forget that? And Blue Sky, which I really liked when it came out. And The Client. Wow, I guess I’ve seen more of his movies than I thought. Can’t say I ever particularly got turned on by any of them, though. Although maybe I should try to find the one about Gary Gilmore, or whichever sexy-looking one he was in where he dressed like a compassionate and hot priest.

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There’s something I’d like to say from the get-go here, and it’s something that makes me different than most of the rest of the world: I don’t think Johnny Depp is hot. I’ve never thought Johnny Depp was hot. I also don’t think pirates are hot, and I think Johnny Depp as a pirate is about as sexy as Joan Rivers as a guest star on Big Brother. In fact, I think the first Pirates of the Caribbean movie might be the single worst movie I’ve ever paid to see and, while the screenplay made no sense, it was at least an hour too long for a movie based on a theme park ride, and the Disneyfied racism was disgusting, I also think Johnny was a huge part of my problem with the movie.

So, bear that in mind.

On the other hand, I like pretty much everything the man has ever done for Tim Burton. For all the director’s wackiness and really glossy love of darkness, he seems like one of the only filmmakers that can rein in Mr Depp’s inclinations towards silly for silly’s sake.

The first time I saw Johnny I was four, and my family took me to see Platoon while we were on vacation. While I didn’t see Edward Scissorhands or Cry-Baby until years later, I didn’t really know what he was about until Benny & Joon, despite the fact that he was all the rage with the tweeny girls who probably had no interest whatsoever in Edward Scissorhands or Cry-Baby.

Anyway, since then, he’s appeared in a number of movies I love (like Edward Scissorhands and Cry-Baby, once I got around to seeing them, as well as Ed Wood and the fantastic Arizona Dream, where he and Lili Taylor and Vincent Gallo and Faye Dunaway and Jerry Lewis and Paulina Perizkova all try to commit beautiful suicide to the tune of a mariachi band.

He’s also been in some awful movies (like that thriller that took place in real time that I can’t remember the name of right now), as well as a bunch I have no desire to see whatsoever. (The Secret Window! The Ninth Gate! Chocolat!) He was surprisingly not distracting doing drag in Before Night Falls, and Tim Burton totally crushed on him by animating him in Corpse Bride, one of the best movies I’ve seen in the past few years.

And now he got an Oscar nomination for Sweeney Todd, which is a really enjoyable movie although it’s mostly the sets and costumes and bright red blood that really interest me. There’s one shot of him and Helena Bonham Carter on the beach that’s hilarious, but mostly I like his performance because you don’t really think about him as Johnny Depp, Totally Quirky Movie Star the way you do in his other movies. Also, I really hate the music in Sweeney Todd, and I don’t know why I haven’t heard anybody else complain about that.

Sweeney Todd is extremely not hot with his white makeup and Victorian stinkiness. But Johnny Depp was never hot. Never. Well, maybe a little bit in Ed Wood, but that’s about it. He’s too ridiculous to be sexy. I also imagine that he’d be a cold fish in bed. Either divalike or just totally unresponsive, I’m not sure which. But the man does absolutely nothing for me that way. When he was younger, maybe, but not any more than any average-looking Hollywood guy. And definitely not now with all the bad hair and terrible goatees and what have you.
Below are some pictures of him from over the years. He has his shirt off in a lot of them and I don’t care. Kind of like how I don’t care about his dumb tattoos or dumb facial hair. And, while I like the towel and workboots outfit, I’d like it a lot better on, say, Richard Greico.

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In preparation for today’s Oscar-themed Adventure in Starfucking, I decided to kick off my morning with a little one-handed salute to George Clooney. And while, in general, my Hump Day Morning Monkeyspank is a satisfying one, I just couldn’t manage it with visions of George dancing and writhing in my head. And why? Why, when Mr. Clooney is one genuine hunka hunka burnin’ movie star? A man who looks good gray, wears the sexy hell out of a suit, and seems like he’d generally be the kind of man that could have deep thoughts about humanity and then suggest some manly wrestling in a pool full of olive oil?

I couldn’t do it because of this picture. This picture haunts my dreams and, apparently, my waking moments as well. It’s from Entertainment Weekly a few years ago, I think, and it scares me. It’s not like I’m afraid to see him with his shirt off or anything (see left), but seeing someone who’s generally so debonair with that idiotic look on his face is too much for me to handle. Especially since he doesn’t like the paparazzi, and has a better control of what the media says about him than pretty much anyone else I can think of. So it makes me wonder how something so candid-looking, so silly yet not at all funny–in other words so incredibly dumb could get out. I’d be exaggerating if I said it was as bad as the Amy Winehouse crackpipe video, but it’s along the same lines.

It’s unfortunate–really unfortunate–because, in general, he’s one sexy mofo. And, you know, I’m not saying that as a fifty-year old woman that liked him when he was on ER, but as a twenty-six year old man who’s only seen one episode in the entire 712-season run of ER. (If you care, I saw the one that Ewan McGregor directed, and thought that it was dull despite the sexy McGregoriness of it all.)

Anyhow. Intern George is nominated for Best Actor for playing the title character in Michael Clayton, a movie which disappeared from movie theaters before I had a chance to ever see it.

It’s a corporate thriller, which sounds like a snoozefest, but it got a crapload of praise and also stars the always delightful Tilda Swinton. Also, I really like the poster, which is sort a pretty rare occurrance with me and big Hollywood movies.

Generally, I like the movies he’s in, although, now that I look at his IMDb profile, I realize I haven’t actually seen as many as I thought I had. I don’t even think I’ve seen Batman and Robin oe the Solaris remake, not to mention the fact that I missed out on Syriana and Good Night And Good Luck. And Oceans 12 and 13, despite the fact that 11 is one of my favorite movies of the last decade or so. (And despite the fact that my roommate owns them.) Also, there’s also Out of Sight, a movie I’ve seriously rented about 73 times over the last nine years and never actually gotten around to watching.

According to IMDb, his next movie’s going to be Leatherheads, a romantic comedy about old-time football with Renee Zellweger and Stephen Root, who owned the station on NewsRadio and who I haven’t seen since although apparently he’s been in about fifty-nine things since that show got cancelled. Who knew?

He’s been in romantic comedies before, and I guess now would be as good a time as any to mention that I actually kind of really like One Fine Day, the movie he starred in with Michelle Pfeiffer about that peaceful time back when only overwrought businesspeople talked on their cell phones all day.

He was also in O Brother Where Art Thou?, an enjoyable but kind of really overrated Coen Brothers joint. (Although it’s not as enjoyable, or overrated, as The Big Lebowski, as far as enjoyable though overrated Coen Brothers joints go.)

I’d also be remiss if I didn’t mention my favorite thing he’s ever done, which is to direct Confessions of a Dangerous Mind, the totally batshit story of Gong Show host and Palisades Park writer Chuck Barris. It’s a hilarious, crazy, and totally underappreciated movie, and not just because it involves Julia Roberts in crazy wigs.

So, to reiterate, George Clooney is a hot man, despite the fact that I can’t apparently get off thinking about him. Because while the man is basically a politically conscious menatplay.com scene in the making, he’s just–I don’t know, too nice? too well-groomed? not hairy enough?–to really ignite the fire in my loins. Which is odd, really, because–that one horrific bathing suit picture aside–I don’t think I’ve ever seen the man look bad. Not even in the paparazzi candids where he’s scowling at the camera, clearly wanting to punch the photographer but too suave to risk messing up his hair.

I guess he looks like a hugger. Although he seems like the kind of guy you should be able to have rough and immoral soldier fantasies about, the truth is that I’d kind of just want his manly arms wrapped around me on a cold evening. He’s a relationship sort of man, I guess, and while relationships with celebrities are nice to think about in theory, that doesn’t mean much when you’re trying to rub a quick one out before work. And while I’d still totally like to wrestle the man naked in a pool of olive oil*, or even rub his gray beard against mine while we played a friendly game of tonsil hockey, I think I’d honestly prefer him with his clothes on, his tie straightened and his sexy eyebrows furrowing with lefty angst as he explained things to me about the environment and Darfur. Not that I really want to talk about Darfur, and if I ever met George Clooney I’d try to talk about hundreds of other things first, but I have the feeling he’s the sort of guy that controls the conversation and only talks about what he wants to talk about.

Below, a couple more pictures from over the years. I think the third one’s my favorite, because of the gray scruff/black eyebrow thing.

(*I’m not sure why, but I totally would and just popped a semi thinking about it.)

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First up is Daniel Day-Lewis, nominated for his totally excellent performance in There Will Be Blood, which is one of the few movies of the year I actually did see.

Mr Day-Lewis doesn’t appear in many movies–only three in the last ten years–and according to his ridiculous Wikipedia entry he spends a lot of his time making shoes. But every time he does show up in a movie he gets lots of awards for it. The only recent exception is The Ballad of Jack and Rose, which didn’t get totally fawning reviews and which was directed by his wife, Rebecca Miller. She’s the daughter of Arthur Miller and he met her when he was making The Crucible. Weird, right?

He’s starred in a bunch of Jim Sheridan movies. Back when I was about fourteen, I was really into my Irish-Americanness and used to watch Jim Sheridan’s movie and think they were Very Important because they won lots of awards and dealt with serious subjects like the IRA and only being able to move your left foot. I have no idea if My Left Foot or In The Name of the Father are as good as I remember, but back then I thought they were pretty awesome. Sheridan also made The Boxer (which I never saw, for some reason) and Get Rich Or Die Tryin’, oddly. Now he’s working on a movie about war in Afghanistan with Jake Gyllenhaal, Natalie Portman, and Tobery Maguire, which I’ll probably want to see but not actually ever get around to seeing.

I never particularly thought of Daniel Day-Lewis as a sexy person because, generally, he’s in really unsexy movies, including There Will Be Blood, despite the presence of oil derricks (aka giant squirting cocks of death!) and mines (aka giant gaping vaginas of death!) The movie, incidentally, is about two and a half hours long and barely has a single line spoken by a woman between the ages of about ten and about seventy. But I don’t want to say much more than that, except that you should totally see it before the clips during the Oscar ceremony kill any suspense related to the movie.

Another reason I don’t think I’ve ever lusted after DD-L is his hair. Although he’s got that hot shaved head/thick eyebrows combination that makes me cream my shorts on a more or less daily basis, in movies he’s always got long hair that I totally can’t get into. Gangs of New York, In The Name of the Father, My Left Foot. Hair, hair, hair. Also, I think it’s odd that he’s got long hair in every movie, shaves it for every press circuit and awards season, and then disappears back to Italy or wherever it is he goes when he’s not working. I mean, I guess he’s in more epic costumey things than most actors, but still.

The thing is, though, he’s kind of hot. I mean, not obscenely hot, and definitely not with his There Will Be Blood moustache (or his Gangs of New York top hat, or his My Left Foot paralysis, for that matter.) But there’s something about his drawn-in cheeks and Sam The Eagle eyebrows that could really make for some good celebrity jack-off fodder from time to time.

Another thing about Mr Day-Lewis is that he was in My Beautiful Laundrette, which is one of the first really gay movies that lots of boys see. Written by Hanif Kureishi and directed by Stephen Frears, it’s about a messed-up relationship between a Pakistani guy and a racist with terrible hair. Daniel, of course, is the racist with terrible hair. But, if you’re still going through puberty or have a thing for blond with black roots, it’s a very sexy movie. Not even hot, just sexual and gay. And when you’re young that’s really enough.

Below, check him sexily rocking the grey jacket and black tie, and stills from In The Name of the Father and The Age of Innocence, the fussy Edith Wharton/ Martin Scorcese extravaganza that, for some reason, I’ve never bothered to see.

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Like I said, I don’t know much about the movies nominated, but I thought tonight I’d present you with the eight nominees for Best Male Newcomer, which is probably the most interesting category. Since nobody really focuses on the men in porn, and since most of these guys are on the new side, it was pretty hard to find pictures of most of them–face or otherwise–which is too bad, because some of them are actually pretty hot. And one of the reasons I like straight porn more than gay porn (generally) is that I only have to look at one guy, and the odds of one hot man in a scene are much greater than the odds of two hot men in the same scene. Plus, straight guys are never twinky. And, aside from the fact they generally shave their balls to make their dicks look bigger*, there’s not usually a whole lot to complain about.

Although don’t think I’m not complaining. I just spent a totally dumb amount of time trying to track these pictures down and I’m so bored now I don’t know what to do with myself. Blah.

(*I hate that!)

1. Alan Stafford

He’s cute, right? These are the only pictures of him I could find (well, these and a few others from the same sets.) I ganked the white belt ones off his Myspace–he has pretty good taste in music and movies, even if he lacks that part of the brain that knows when to stop adding pictures to a Myspace profile. But he seems worthy in stills of a Best Male Newcomer title, I think.

2. Alex Gonz

Alex Gonz is in this movie that looks pretty terrible. There’s also some pretty uninteresting fucking pictures here. I don’t know, he’s not doing it for me. The photo on the left, by the way, was hijacked from Dave Naz’s blog.

3. Charles Dera

Charles Dera’s a big himbo, I guess–he was Playgirl’s Man of the Year in 2005 before he moved on to porn. And he’s a hot himbo, especially with the little bit of unshavenness in that second picture. And at least it’s easy to find pictures of him. Although he doesn’t seem exactly new at this point.

4. J-Mac

J-Mac, despite his stupid name, is kind of hot in still pictures, although I feel like I’d be underwhelmed if I saw him in action. Something about his face makes him seem like he’d be a dead fish in the sack. But I guess you never know.

5. Jordan Ash

Okay, I seriously can’t find ANYthing about this dude. It doesn’t help that he has the same name as a girl that also does porn. Help, anybody?

6. Justice Young

This was all I could find, except for the ones from his agency’s site that are in flash. I’m bored.

7. Mikey Butders

He’s a hot little Uruguayan man, who repays his debts when he’s supposed to and whose myspace quote is “Part-time pornstar/full-time hustler.” He also plays Bobby in the porn version of the Brady Bunch. I kind of hope he wins.

8. Shorty Mac

There’s very little of this guy out there, despite the fact that his cock is allegedly thick as a beer can and he has a whole series named after him. Oh well, not my thing.

So, yeah, there it is. My recap of eight porn stars I’ve never actually seen in moving pictures. Yup. Very exciting. I won’t even mention how long it took me to track down those pictures, or how bored I am now. God.

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